Five for Friday

Happy Friday, y’all! I’m feeling perkier and back to normal today.  The *funk* yesterday was b.a.d. 

1 ~ Two and a half months later, I’m still reflecting on how God broke my heart in India.  Since we live in a culturally-diverse area, it isn’t abnormal to see women in saris and traditional Indian wear.  It’s all I can do not to run up to them, give ‘em a hug and ask where there from.  I honestly didn’t the depth of how those 10 short days could change my hole life.

2 ~ I think I’m ready to admit that I really want to be a mother.  And soon.  Like it’s all I can do not to start buying cute kid things in anticipation of the little life I want in our family.  Embracing this is something I’ve been scared to admit out loud for a long time.  We’ve been married for 7 years in September and I’m starting to feel like it’s time for us to be parents.  Unfortunately, I’m learning it ain’t as easy as going to Wal-mart and spending $100. disclosure: real life friends – just because I can blog/type about it doesn’t mean I’m ready to talk about it with words.  Please don’t push or ask any more until I bring it up in conversation. In advance, thank you for respecting me on this.

3 ~ I think I’m going to have to be one of *those* people who work out all the time.  I wasn’t blessed with the genes to allow me to eat what I want and still fit in my jeans.  And, I’m cool with this.  I enjoy the time I log in the gym to clear my head, I just need to make it an nonnegotiable part of my day.  The excuses have been flowing entirely too easy lately.  Also, I WANT to be a runner. Really, really, I do.  I’ve been doing the whole couch to 5K thing and blaring David Crowder Band for motivation.  Maybe turning into a praise session will help.

4 ~ I ramble a LOT on my blog. And on Twitter.  I’m sorry, it’s just who I am.

5 ~ As much as I LOVE our small group, I miss studying scripture with a group of girls.  Our church has discontinued/put on hiatus their women’s study program.  K-dawg has been going on Wednesday mornings at like 6 for a men’s group.  I’m so happy that he’s doing this, but at the same time, I’m feeling this void in my life.  

wrapping it up ~ if y’all are in NC, please don’t forget to go vote on Tuesday! It doesn’t matter who orwhat you vote for as much as it does that you flex that muscle of democracy!

 

Crazy love,

~ pb

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If You Ask How I’m Doing, I’d Say OK

Ain’t it funny how in the south (maybe other parts of the country too) that we are raised and taught to flash a smile and respond that everything’s just fine, or we’re doing great when really, inside, we’re hurting.

I think I’ve become a pro at putting on my happy face and smiling my way through life.  Even with my closest friends. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m NOT happy, because I am….for the most part.

It’s that time of year. When finals are wrapping up on Campus and people are solidifying their summer plans or moving apartments or any of the stuff college students do.  I don’t know how I know it’s this time of year without someone telling me or having it noted on my calendar. But I know

Why? Because my heart gets this dull ache.  This pain that I can’t explain.  It’s like a darkness sweeps over the very core of me for about a week each May.  Why? Because it’s getting close to the anniversary of when I lost my Daddy.  

Starting next Friday, I can give you a play by play of what I was doing 11 years ago.  It was my 4th year at NC State.  I’d finished exams and was packing up our dorm room and moving into the apartment that I’d share with my real sister and one of my favorite sorority sisters.

 That Saturday night at about 11:30 pm my sister and I started the long (3.5 hr) trip back home.  Mom had been helping us move into the apartment and kept thinking of reasons why we shouldn’t leave…sometime a little after midnight, we found out Daddy was in the hospital.  

Who knew that Monday (while sissy was finishing up an exam in Raleigh) that I’d loose my best friend?  That his pain on this earth would end?

I know I’m not the first or the last to experience this pain. But y’all…my heart HURTS.  It hurts because of all the selfish things that I wish I could’ve shared with my Daddy.

Like graduating college (I wore his much too big for me boots to feel like he was with me)

Like getting married (one of his blue bandannas was tied around my bouquet so he’d be with me)

Like getting a job….(his hard work ethic drives me to be a perfectionist)

And selling the house (he sacrificed so much to make sure we kept that house after he and Momma divorced….)

And getting a different job (he warned sissy and me about working in agriculture…but I LOVE every minute of it!)

……and now that we’re starting to think about children…the fact that they’ll never know their grandfather hurts….bad. Like real bad.

Almost as bad as when I couldn’t remember what his voice sounded like one day.  Or how my heart catches when I smell his cologne in the wind. Or when I see a sandy blonde man wearing navy pants and a light blue shirt (his uniform).  

But, even with this crazy pain going on in my heart, if you ask, I’ll flash a smile and tell you I’m fine.

And, I willing to bet I’m not the only one hiding behind a smile and a little white lie…

 

…. care to share the secret of your heart so we can pray for each other?

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What was so easy there ….seems so hard here.

India was phenomenal…mind-blowing…amazing….

Seriously, I’m still trying to process all occurred during our week there.

Y’all.  I did something I’ve always been too afraid to do.  I prayed BOLDLY.  For strangers.  For a LOT of strangers.  I hugged on people, feeling the Holy Spirit, tears streaming down our faces while we prayed.  It didn’t matter that we didn’t speak the same language because we love and serve the same God.  Amazing stuff.  Powerful stuff.

And now…

Now I’m back to living the suburban dream.  In America.  Where we’ve been more blessed than we deserve.  And you know what?  I’m reminded of my need to pray boldly.  To a loving God.  To a powerful God.  Know what else?  It’s me in need of bold prayer.

And…chicken me is afraid to put words to why I need prayer and what’s going on.  Too chicken to share when people a world away were not afraid to tell a white stranger their problems.

I don’t know why I’m so afraid to share.  Fear of disappointing?  Fear of looking weak?  Fear of y’all thinking differently of me?  Combination of all three?  Fear of my weaknesses being reveled?  SO much I’m struggling with.  Tears have flown freely where nobody can see ~ because I’m not ready to put words to  my pain.

Please…pray for me.

And…if we’re friends…we won’t talk about this until I’m ready to, deal?

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Being the Change I Want to See in the World…

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. ~ John 3:16

A little verse.  And, when  you comprehend the meaning – a life changing verse!  

Many of us have committed this verse to memory, and have seen it in many places (including across Tim Tebow’s cheeks.) 

I remember growing up and seeing those words in the sanctuary of the little mountain church that we attended.   And, I remember the day the connection was made that God so loved ME that he gave his son to die on a cross. 

And now I am beginning to understand the part that tells me he loved the WORLD.  Not just me, not just you, but ALL of humanity. 

That love extends beyond all borders and all languages.  

We are preparing now to see God’s love put to action in India.  We are praying for this trip to be safe and productive, and for God to use us as a tool for His love.  

And, we are doing it with some of our very dearest friends.  The kind of friends that show you family has as much to do with lifelines as bloodlines.  

We look forward to sharing this journey with you, the journey of how God’s love extends beyond borders, languages and customs.

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Have you ever…

(So, my sister gave me all kinds of flattery about how my blog post are funny and she enjoys reading them…so Sissy, this is for you…)

No! I’m not talking about that silly game that got us into so much trouble (and made so many have a hissy fit) at a sisterhood retreat circa 2001…

And, for the record….that was all supposed to be in good fun and NEVER make its way back to campus. Lesson learned: it’s impossible for 30 some girls to keep a secret.

BACK  to what I wanted to post about….

Pantyhose!

You know…the worst part of my/most womenfolk’s dress-up experience?

Have you ever forgotten you were wearing them?

Here it is almost 9:00 at night, and I’ve been home roughly 3 hrs and I just realized not only am I still in the office attire…

but I’ve been doing chores and messin’ around the house in my stockings and heels all night long.  Folks, we’re talkin’ about cookin’ supper, cleanin’ the kitchen, cleaning bathrooms and everything.

And… I didn’t even notice I was still in heels and hose.

Does this mean I’m finally grown up?  Does this mean I’m turning into some kind of modern day June Cleaver?  Is it a sign that the end is near?

You don’t understand how bad I hate HATE HATE nylons.  You’ve never seen someone so happy as I was the day I discovered thigh highs.  Really I can have the look of hose without the pain of wrestling my thunder thighs into some sort of Chinese handcuff made out of  nylon – WIN!

Then..I progressed to the only when I have to stage.  For only as long as I have to (read here…ripping off hose as soon as I could get into the privacy of my car.)

With the new job, I’ve been wearing them almost every day.  As I try to be *professional* bumpkin.

And here we are…April 5th, 2011…and I’m thinking that this isn’t so bad.  That they are kind of comfortable.  And, make my legs look dang good.

Growing up or temporary loss of reason?  You be the judge.

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A USB is what I NEED!

Why a USB?  So that I could take all these fabulous blog posts that have floated in my head the last …well, you get the point!

 

What’s been going on in this neck of the woods?  Here’s the dirty in under thirty (seconds)…

1.  Still adjusting to new job (Mom says it’ll take a year)

2. Still loving my new job.

3. Editing this one … because  a bestie still works where I worked.

4. JL Placement has been lackluster this year.  Thankful J did this one with me so I wasn’t *alone*

5.  Turned Three 2.  Doesn’t that make it look so much more sophisticated? and younger?

6.  Babies abound!  Besties, sissies, everyone’s on the baby train.

7.  WW Points Plus is where its at…..while I’m currently at a plateau (BOO…), I’ve stayed with it since January 2nd and a massive meltdown that might have resulted in me going to a WW meeting in tears and pajamas over shock at the scales on a Sunday morning (true story.)

8.  I’m digging deeper in my faith ~ and, God’s way way cooler than I ever imagined.

9. New car.

10.  Twitter killed my blogging.  But, I’m going to try to do better!

 

Keep on smilin’, sunshines!

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It’s Been a Month of Sunday’s (or longer!)

Dang – where does time go?….
All that worryin’ and lamentin’ that was going on in the last post – all better now.  Transitioned out and back in with little to no difficulty. Outside of missing coworkers, trying to balance things and working 8-5 every day in an office (PS – I get home less tired and exhausted than when I was 3/4 …and don’t have to do any work from home ~ beyond strange to me!)  I miss several of my coworkers beyond bunches. But, I know I made the right decision.  I didn’t know how much worrying about work was consuming my life.

What else has been going on?…

- My NC State Wolfpack are having a great season. We’re in line for a bowl game already and next week determines if we have another shot at VT in Charlotte.  K-dawg and I’ve decided to do these trips vs. presents for Christmas this year (if it all goes according to plan). What I’m realistically hoping for? Win Division ACC title, play in Charlotte. That opens it up for (a) Bowl Party here for the game in Miami OR (b) spend New Years Eve in the ATL at the Peach Bowl….decisions!

- Friends are having a baby GIRL!

- My nephew is a ridiculous 2 months old.  He’s growing up and changing so much!

- Friday night we went to the Duke v. Colgate game in Cameron.  Oh my goodness. Don’t care if you like Duke or not, but they have developed a basketball machine.  Their sports museum is insane; their fans are crazy; and Cameron isn’t much larger than the high school gym back home.

- Thursday night, went with K-dawg’s cousin to the UNC Children’s Promise Concert at DPAC. As I rolled up in there with my suit on from the office, made me realize how much I’ve changed in the last 10 years. Insane.   But, Jason Michael Carrol, James Otto, Clay Walker and Rodney Atkins put on a very good show. Also realized that since I listen to KLOVE 95% of the time, I’m out of touch with *modern* music.

- Yesterday was a whirlwind….woke up early, went to Western Wake Farmer’s Market, Fresh Market, Ace Hardware …then back here and worked in leaves for a little bit before heading to some college friend’s for a game watching/housewarming party.  It was so good to see them and meet new folks! We squeeked past Carolina (trying very hard not to get cocky or gloat) and had enough time to make it to the early church service!  We packed almost as much as realistically possible into the day, and it was great!

So, things are going well in my little corner of the world. I’m content for the first time in way too long.

Hope y’all are doing well and happy week of THANKSGIVING!

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